just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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