i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
