Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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