I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
