We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just cut my nipple shaving
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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