I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
