The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
