Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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