Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
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