Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I looked at my own cervix.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Randomize
