life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
