is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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