I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
