I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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