It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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