We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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