How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
