Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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