I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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