a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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