Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
