3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Where did you get a picture of my penis
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
