I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
