I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
