You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He better not be in your backpack
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
