it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
