Do you still have your period?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
