She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
