Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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