just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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