from now on my penis is your penis
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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