never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think your dad took our porno
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
