ADVERTISEMENT

• (802): View more from Vermont

  that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight

  Fav 73 1450 3090

  share tweet
  

• (773): View more from Illinois

  My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  didn't stop?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  naw, they were rude, not me.

  Fav 32 12197 1223

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (480): View more from Arizona

  Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

  Fav 39 8288 1423

  share tweet
  

• (207): View more from Maine

  Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

  Fav 3 2290 1028

  share tweet
  

• (801): View more from Utah

  He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water

  Fav 6 1006 1005

  share tweet
  

• (251): View more from Alabama

  My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay

  Fav 4 1085 570

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (815): View more from Illinois

  Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship

  Fav 4 922 508

  share tweet
  

• (406): View more from Montana

  its 2pm. u awake yet?

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.

  Fav 0 624 868

  share tweet
  

• (425): View more from Washington

  It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"

  Fav 3 695 615

  share tweet
  

• (316): View more from Kansas

  If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.

  Fav 0 797 531

  share tweet
  

• (204): View more from Manitoba

  Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later

  Fav 0 151 81

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (952): View more from Minnesota

  So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.

  Fav 2 56 18

  share tweet
  

• (641): View more from Iowa

  I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.

  Fav 0 112 10

  share tweet
  

• (540): View more from Virginia

  Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.

  Fav 0 24 53

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.

  Fav 0 39 1

  share tweet
  

Randomize