someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
