I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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