I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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