A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
