6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
