Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
