If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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