I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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