You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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