Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
