You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
