Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
