Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
where are you?
Hypothermia
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
