Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
