I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
