my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
