you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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